


Clean Break

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s taken me years to get to this point, my heart barely beating, my hands shaking with the choice I’m about to make for the gravity of such a decision will ultimately change the course of my life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clean Break

JPOV

It’s taken me years to get to this point, my heart barely beating, my hands shaking with the choice I’m about to make for the gravity of such a decision will ultimately change the course of my life. “Ha!” my life, as if it ever was my life, my choice to love you so unconditionally and fully. 

My life was a joke, the biggest joke if ever there was one, my actions predicated on your wants and needs and at the end of the day I was always left with a sense of emptiness when it wasn’t enough. 

I guess I’m the one to blame having given you so much power over me but how could I not? I loved you since the moment I first felt the twinge of puberty, your once friendly face transforming into something so beautiful nothing could compare. You were, and even to this day continue to be everything to me although I know I don’t mean half as much to you.   
We ventured on this new adventure together, my goals clearly not the same as yours but I always had hope that eventually you would see me, recognize the prize you held within your grasp however, many years have passed since and all I have to show for it are broken dreams and misguided hope. 

You told me once how lucky you were to have me in your life, that any vacancy on my part would mean the obliteration of your world and yet you fail to see just how apart we are from one another. You use me when convenient, discard me when my demands seem overwhelming or inconceivable and dismiss my feelings as if they were the ranting of a concerned friend who is jealous over your new found love. 

My hands clench at my jeans as I sit here writing you this letter, cowardly maybe as I know actions speak louder than words however, I am weak in that regard, always have been. My will diminishes once I gaze into your brown eyes, my wants, needs and desires fall by the waist side just to please you but not anymore.

I’m tired of being your bread and butter, the person who keeps a roof over your head, who warms your bed when the dreams of your past become too much for your mind to bear and the sucker who always consoles you when he breaks your heart. How many empty promises does it take to be enough? When do you reach a point where that shroud of lies and deceit finally falls from your eyes and you see the most perfect, infallible thing right in front of you?

In your case I fear that day will never come, my actions always sugar coating the bad in an effort not to see you in pain while the tiny pricks of denial pinch at my slowly deteriorating heart. I can’t live like this, wallowing in despair over the love I will never have, the promises you will never keep and the hope that maybe one day you would see me for more than just a friend. 

My leg begins to twitch as the arguments of our past play out in my mind, your ranting about how selfish I am and how I can’t see the good things you see in him. Have you ever thought that maybe there aren’t any good things? That maybe under all that money and expensive clothing there is an evil, a mischievous, devious person who seeks you for the sake of saying he claimed the unattainable Bella Swan?

I saw his deviousness, the betrayal and countless infidelity while you remain naïve to his cunning ways. I’ve witnessed him get you so drunk you couldn’t see two feet in front of you and while slouched over the bar, half cognizant, he leaves you there for one of his frat friends to take you home while he bangs the bartender in the back room. I see far more than you give me credit for and yet when the topic arises, you deny the obvious and find comfort in his lies rather than the truth that spills from my lips.

I’m tired of being your safety net, your shoulder to cry on, your convenient friend whenever the mood strikes you. It is because of you I’ve lost all feeling, my heart refuses to beat, my mind denies me the ability to think clearly and my soul is lost in a sea of denial and despair. I love you Bella Swan with everything that I am and now I have finally reached the breaking point, the moment when my wants and needs become more important than you and your pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

My hand shakes as the pen tethers relentlessly between my fingers, the hanus words I wish to bestow upon you trapped within my mind, my body in denial of such action and thus not allotting me the ability to hold the pen long enough to write. It was as if it wished to feel the true pain of your sadness, to see the denial in your eyes, to witness the tears as I bestow all the anger and resentment I feel towards you for never seeing me as more than just your friendly roommate.

At this moment I have past the point of no return, the defining moment where I take back my life and let yours fall where it may. This is not an easy task, being the go to person has become an addiction for me, a habit easily quenched by your unending need for affirmation and encouragement. I’m not sure how I will fair without you but if I want to experience life, meet someone who will love and appreciate me, then I have to say goodbye.

Pressing the felt tip pen to the paper I begin to write, the words flowing freely from my mind through the slow strokes of my hands, the pain of said words excruciating but relieving all the same. I tell you of how it all begin, when I first knew I loved you right up until the moment we decided to move away and live together. It was the happiest day of my life, a memory not easily forgotten and a time when I thought everything was falling into place.

It was shortly after where things started to change, your vacancy from my life, your constant late night emergency pick me up phone calls, the promises to make things right, the broken dinner dates and lack of every day choirs began. I dismissed them at first, chalking it up to you spreading your young wings and learning how to fly in this new air called life. However, eventually that excuse grew old as you didn’t change but got worse, especially after you met Edward. He became your world and I turned into nothing more than your emotional closet, a place where you confided in your fears, expressed your joys and hid your reservations about the truth. Deep down you knew he was using you but you didn’t care. It meant more to you to be his china doll than anything else and so you let the hand play out as it may and I idly stood by hoping you would see the mistake and correct it but you never did.

The tears rock steadily in my eyes as the emotions flow freely from within me, my devotion and love spilling onto the pages, smudging the ink in various spots as I expose my heart and confess to it all. I wish I had the strength to speak, to tell you to open your eyes and see the good right in front of you but as my mother always used to say, “You never know a good thing till it’s gone” and in keeping with such a sentiment I close my letter by saying, “I will always love you Bella but now it’s my time to say goodbye.”

The pen falls from my fingertips, the sense of closure over my proclamation both overwhelming and finite. I never thought I would gain the courage to walk away, to allow you to fall so deeply into your mistake without providing you a helpline but it was necessary. I lost myself helping you find yourself and for once I was choosing me over you, my heart over your lack of one thus making me more important. 

I rise from the chair, my legs still weak over the actions I was about to take, the steps needed to leave the note on the pillow seeming unbearable but necessary. I manage to reach a point where I can let it float in the air and fall easily upon the feather stuffed cushion and turn on my heels for the door. It is in that moment my eyes meet yours, the look of confusion written within stance and facial expression.

It would be so easy for me to just leave, tell you to read the letter as I walk out of your life but something within me stops such a cowardly action and forces me to face you.   
“I saw the bag on the couch…you going somewhere?” you inquire so innocently as if you didn’t know this was coming.

I told you there would come a point where I couldn’t take this anymore, where your needs and mine would no longer coincide and you would have to choose but you never believed me and why should you? I always bowed down to everything, pushed everything that was important to me to the side in an effort to keep you happy so any threat went unnoticed and discarded as such.

“I’m leaving” I reply as I take a step forward, my eyes remaining on yours, the heat of my stare causing you to find discomfort and seek refuge within your own embrace.

“Why?”

Your questions rattles the rage within me and like lighter fluid to a flame, my response bursts from within me in a heated fury with no thought as to the repercussions and with only one purpose, to inflict pain. 

“Why? Why? Are you really that stupid Bella? Has dating Edward made you so oblivious you can’t see what your relationship has done to me? Tell me Bella, when was the last time you even asked me how I was, what I needed? When was the last time you even showed an ounce of consideration for me?”

Regrettably you look away, your lip seeping between your teeth as the truth pierces you like a knife. Never once did I ever throw your actions in your face, force you to see how much you hurt me but no more. I had enough. I had reached my breaking point and tonight you would either chose me or chose a hollow existence without me.

“That’s what I thought. It’s amazing…I never thought you would turn into the one person you hate the most. You always spoke of your mother as being nothing short of a selfish bitch and here you are going through the motions so freely yourself. I love you Bella more than anything but I can’t sit idly by and allow you to continue to destroy your life.”

“Well apparently you can because you are leaving me” you reply and your words continue to place more fuel in the fire. You always had a way with words, the tone, pitch and choice all properly executed thus resulting in me feeling badly and becoming the bad guy when it had nothing to do with anything I had said or done. 

“I’m leaving you because…” I pause for a moment, the countless reason why screaming in my head, my mind demanding I throw the final jab just to seal what had already been decided while my heart whimpers in the dark to be the better person and just leave.

“I’m selfish. I know you told me that already” you mumble as you turn your back to me and slowly crawl out of the bedroom.  
In haste I take two large strides towards you, brace your arms and turn you around so you can face me. I try to remain strong, to deny the pain I feel at seeing you so broken and yet I can’t fight it. I don’t know how to break your heart or how to say goodbye. 

The tears well as the truth crawls from my heart and out through my lips, the last attempt at forcing that shroud from your eyes, “I love you Bella more than anything but time and time again you tell me you don’t feel the same, that you can’t love me like I love you and I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit here and watch you throw your life away on a man who doesn’t deserve you. “

“I know he doesn’t. I just broke it off a few minutes ago. I came home to tell you but I guess your decision is already made. I won’t fight you Jake. I’m tired of fighting but just know I do love you, maybe not in the way you hoped and I know you think I take you for granted and maybe I have but I promise, if you stay, I won’t anymore.”

The desperation in your tone teases my resolve and I find it so hard to fight it, so hard not to believe the truth that spills so freely from your lips. A part of me knows this is a ploy while the other part feels like maybe this time is different. Was it worth a try? Could I bare another blow to my already deteriorating heart?”

I wasn’t sure what to do, how to feel as this was not a part of the plan. My decision seemed so finite, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and yet here you stood, holding said weight in your hands ready to hang it firmly around my neck once again, and like a sucker I was debating on whether to bear it or leave. I was a glutton for punishment and although everything in me said to go, to make a clean break, my heart just wouldn’t allow it. Maybe this time would be different, maybe this time it could just be as it always has been, just Jake and Bells.

Is there a point in your life where a clean break is merely just a surface scratch on the skin of life? Does it take one defining moment, one display of self-worth and courage to make someone see the error of their ways and come crawling back? 

Life was always about balance, the perfect combination of love and happiness. No one ever told you there would be a weight on either end forcing you to decide between the two at every milestone in your life however, it is in baring the weight of either or that you learn how to step over the scratches and survive. Maybe this was just a crack easily erased by time and forgiveness, maybe this was a clean break for us both, a break from friendship into something more and although everything in me said no to take the chance, I had to. I loved you.

The journey ahead remained undecided and although I knew thee hurdles before us would be great, I took one last chance in the hopes that this time maybe, with time, you could love me too.


End file.
